I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
