Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
