somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
