I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
