What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
