If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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