hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
