Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
