I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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