he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
