I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
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