Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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