hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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