It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
