I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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