Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
