i need an iv and a liver transplant
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
