i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
