I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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