If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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