If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
