A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.