So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
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He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
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I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver