i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
