i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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