evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
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You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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