I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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