just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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