did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
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It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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