God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
