8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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