The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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