The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
