Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
