Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
