i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
