Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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