so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
