you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
