WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
