Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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