I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
