She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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