chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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