Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
