oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
