Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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