You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
