So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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