Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
