What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
