Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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