I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
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Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
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My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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