even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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