um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
