I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
