Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
