When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
