i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
