So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
