There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
