youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
