i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
